SO my hatred of The Magicians has passed. I mean, how can i actually ‘hate’ anything make-believe? its just silly speak and i’m moving on . . . see? the meds are with me.
cop-outs are everywhere.
and self-deprecation is the tool of the TRUE GODS AND GODDESSES… if only we weren’t so good at deflection, you’d be blinded.
(read that one slowly.)
and no, i haven’t lost my grip on humility. not even momentarily, sadly. (had to look up how to spell Eureka, for fucksake)
i do have moments when i can say good things about myself, i mean, i do. and i do thank my ex for that, because i have real moments of self-value that come simply from being taken for granted, and its really powerful to really deeply feel how much you matter to the world you’ve created. the kids do the same for me. … when i have to demand that they speak to me a certain way, or that they ask for things rather than demand…its respect, and i deserve it… little bits and bobs…
took me awhile.
but also, last night, i actually WENT to the gym i signed up for. and i’m proud as anything that i made it. because i was anxious about it for days. nervous about what people would think, how weak i would look, how sweaty and fat i would be… all irrational, to a large degree. its been awhile since i was fit, and i’m sad and a little embarassed by it. but i know i can get it back, i just have to put in the time, again, and make sure i do it for myself. utterly only? … which is nearly impossible for me. i definitely work better when i think there is some benefit that is broader than just myself. in this case? kids… want to stay strong and fit as a role model of strong fit woman for the kids…
but then it makes you think about the things you do overcome… and big and little and what pride you have in accomplishing things…
i’m running my household, i am truly the head of the household. always was, but didn’t know.
i’m figuring out how to value the simple way i move in the world. i’m not spending tons of time chastising myself for my hit and run socializing. i just get all frazzled after 15 minutes and have to run away. thats it… its not a huge statement about what an asshole loser i am.
i do wish i could spend more time, sometimes, but listening is just so damn hard, 15 minutes is about my limit. and i love people, even if they don’t know i do.
and thats another thing i value about myself. i love people, even if they don’t know i do. how cool is that?
anyhow. its a beginning. make your own lists, babes.