So, here in the land of the spring chill, the snow is just about gone. and the copious amounts of dogshit are uncovered… along with the shock and awe campaign of crocus and snowdrop.
Its a tough haul for me right now. Haven’t been making enough in the freelancing world to satisfy my quotas. And yes, I can live on alimony and childsupport, but I am bleeding to try and not to. And, I don’t mean that I am bleeding. I mean that I am desperately desirous of a financial future which does not involve my listening to J moan. Because the problem really is that I agree with him. I SHOULD be supporting myself and my children. I SHOULD!
all those other arguments involving the reality of my situation and the kids and the house and the all of it, don’t weigh as much in my inner drama as the capital letters higher up.
and i’ve heard all kinds of arguments against my feelings, and i get it. i wish i could believe in them.
So, I’m trimming down. I’m cancelling things and I am asking for scholarships to some of the things I want to keep doing but can’t afford to. And it makes my ears burn and it makes me cry in shame. (and yes, my sister, i know you would loan me money, but these are my choices and i’m sticking by them. ) Now, if someone else told me about these things, I have a whole host of supportive things I would say. But me? I literally feel pain in my heart.
so much shame. my friend Alix says to me ‘i’m pretty sure capitalism is not okay’. … and i laugh and that feels much better than shame.
and i don’t have any answers or any directions right now. just applying for more work over and over. and stretching to do stuff i don’t feel super comfortable doing. so there. needs. discomfort.