Tag: life

Humanity

limbolimbolimbo

Lovelovemotherexpletive

its the week between Christmas and New Years. I’m not getting out of my pajamas very often and I am on my second book. The house is still a mess but there are no big meals for me to do anymore, and for New Year’s I am eating a lot of cheese, so there is that joy. (and make no mistake, that is JOY.) The kids are here all week and that is also a deeply deeply felt joy, and my fridge and freezer are overflowing.

First book was The Seamstress of New Orleans by Diane C. McPhail. I’m on the fence about it. It was definitely strongly feminist, and if that scares you, I don’t know what to tell you. Its always refreshing to read, I say, although not particularly resonant with today’s current scene. I am ‘too much’ with all the depression around women who voted for trump and the ‘tradwife’ bullshit. I just can’t conceive of how that exists. but anyhow, the book was just okay. felt light to me. a somewhat strange mix of point of view, then a merging of it, then an everything-solved ending. I’d still recommend it though, if you are in love with beautiful fabric details, and women making it work on their own, and definitively scoundrel-type men who are proven irrelevant.

So I’m here in this inbetwixt time. This is probably the first time ever I’ve not worked shifts here and there during this time, so I’m in full withdrawal, full-on sofa life. My next book is going to be Cannery Row by Steinbeck. I gave it to a kid who looked unbelievably unenthused to receive it, so fuck that, you know? Now its mine.

I made a bunch of plans on the solstice, on paper, and i cut them up and i burn one each night. I’ve forgotten some nights but on the Day of New Year’s day there will be one left and THAT one will be my responsibility for the year. I like the randomness and if my response is immediately ‘ugh’ then I throw up my hands and pick something else. I am in charge. (without even ever having been a seamstress in New Orleans, I am in goddamned charge.)

person holding burning paper in dark room
Photo by Eugene Shelestov on Pexels.com

I like the rule that says to burn it without looking. Maybe that is as close to rebel as I get these days.

BURN IT WITHOUT LOOKING BACK.

What explosion am I walking away from this week? Am I wearing good jeans? I can see it, man, I can see it.

AND I FEEL THE HEAT, and I’m still walking away.

to my sofa. and my book.

  • kate
Humanity

questions… 5 am.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Being almost 50.

  • how do i let go if i keep remembering?
  • no really, if I’m still stuck on how a landline works, how’m I supposed to get satellite signals equaling real and true sounding voices?
  • is this it then, the culmination of my life, that i work all the time and worry about the kids?
  • How do i get my fucking jade plant to thrive? i think about it way too much.
  • why are accidents so much more poignant for me now? because i feel my own mortality so much? the ways in which small things can be enormous in a life?
  • Can i work forever? when the kids are gone and i’ve moved into a tiny house with my man somewhere, can i just wake up and go to work, forever? there is always so much to be done. everywhere. all I i want to do is plant stuff.
  • do you know i have to change clothes two or three times a day just to be clean and non-contaminated, depending on what i am doing at the farm, or at the school? the car is a jumbled up closet of farmshoes, and school clothes. the back seat is unusable. yesterday i laid all the seats down to deliver eggs to a store 45 minutes away. then, i played playdough. outfit changes. Is this adulthood?
  • Want some eggs? I have a lot. Finally got rid of a bunch of roosters, and now they are much happier ladies out there. Nobody needs or wants that much cock. No question.
  • I need to go away for a week by myself. Think that will ever happen? No, me neither. And I would miss everyone so much, and I can’t afford to miss a week of work anyways. But I’m pining for it. Ever heard of Woolman Hill? (this is not an invitation for my sister or boyfriend or brother to buy something. got it? don’t piss me off.)
  • Self hair cuts? Yes? or no?
  • I think i’m done here, I’m losing my juju.
  • Love to you,
  • me.

Some of these babies have already been planted in the field now, that’s how quickly things grow these days. and they’re off!!

Humanity

well, thank god.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Its a definite, necessary step to begin.

and thats all it is, a necessary, late, beginning.

i’m not saying i’m not happy, I am. I feel viciously happy.

But I’m actually a pro-lifer, (prochoice too.)

so I wish George Floyd was alive and I wish Chauvin had not been kept on as a police officer once they knew he was so damaged.

Because Life, a good Life, should be the priority.

I am so glad. I am so glad for George’s family, that maybe now they can begin to move on, now that there is a finish to the national need for their great loss. Maybe they don’t have to see their love’s murder every day on tv.

But I know the risk is still there. While the Chauvin trial was going on, how many people were killed by police? And do I need to tell you their color? Do we even need to be told? Is there any less risk now? Is it better in the percentages?

Will there be more babies calling for their mothers? Will we all watch murders, live, as they are happening, and keep sitting down?

And I’m sorry, because I know I should be straight joyous, or relieved and I am. I AM! I can’t even believe they convicted him, I really can’t. He is now… convicted murderer, Chauvin. But it’s mixed in a glass with Breonna, Eric, Daunte. Video proof not necessary. Dozens and dozens of names every year, for hundreds of years.

Muddy waters.

If a good life is the priority, we need clean water. All of us need clean water. Baseline.

Add MakiyahBryant, 15. Yesterday, while we waited for the verdict. Yesterday.