i’m doing all this editing of so many different things lately… its inflating my sense of authority to ridiculous levels. and words, words, words… perspicacity. pernicious.
ooooh. i wonder how hard i’d have to work to type a word you had to look up. hm.
but i’ve got other things to do, and you all are smart and pretty damn well-read, as far as i can tell. so i’m going to turn my energies elsewhere.
here’s another list, because i am out of morose, and out of extremely seamless gratitude. . . . .
lists make me happy.
car is still in the shop. they have to take the engine out and still don’t know whats wrong. who can forsee a problem? hmm?
i haven’t used my credit card in a long time, but i will. soon.
i have my own new word for the week.( at least) … here it is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………DRIFT.
so many dots, because otherwise the automatic numbering system was going to utterly defeat me.
my baby turned 6 yesterday, and we had such a lovely time with a bunch of six year olds in the house, and grandparents and color… so much color… and gumballs… she hates cake, so we have ice cream sundaes in teacups… and so much more color…
so here’s the problem. I don’t sell anything. I don’t have anything to sell. thats a problem.
I mean, if you want my advice, you can go to the column on the right, pay me 5 bucks and I’ll give it to you. I kind of did that tongue-in-cheek, but really… I can help… really. at least you’ll know more of what you think, when you hear what I have to say about it…
but really. NOTHING TO SELL YOU.
empty handed. just sitting here, typing.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
Do we know who we are in the Western World if we are not engaged in commerce?
I’m very John Cusack right now. Trenchcoat and all. I don’t WANT to sell anything. or be a brand. I just.
(just realized i’m trying to sell clothes, but thats more like recycling, sharing, really… and nothing is selling anyhow, so i’m just posting photos of dresses and shoes that the dog eats. literally, he ate these shoes after the photoshoot.)
Nothing to see here folks… move along … move along…
this day– i finished all the work i had to do by 9 o’clock in the morning. you would think that was the best thing, right? the day yawns before you, so much possibility….
i had that 2nd! eye appointment with the 4000 tests, eyes stretched and prodded and dropped and glared at…
then groceries for the meals … no breaks this week as their dad is on his vacation. no night off during the week, and a full weekend of all the things… (but we’re going to do pumpkins, which we missed last year… and i know, pumpkins are for me, and i’ll be bitterly doing it alone once it gets scooped…. but knowing slices and dices the bitterness doesn’t it… i wonder how i can make it mine this year…maybe the drill?)
and it stretches, the making dinners, the temperflares around cooking… the consciousness of cost of eating out… we make do with lots of frozen food hitting the stovetop…
and i’m annoyed with myself that i don’t care about food. i wish more for my kids. but i can’t seem to make myself care more. i’ve tried… its been years now. i just want them to love what they are getting, and unless its kidfood, (bland, cheesy, white stuff, no sauce) …. they don’t.*
(*my eldest will eat anything, and is great about it, will still complain but he’s 13 so he’s literally starving to death at all times, even while chewing…)
i have this beautiful dish that i make with a roasted red pepper sauce, not spicy, just pureed with an onion, cream, parmesan and basil… on pasta… its delicious. absolutely. pretty straightforward to make… hearty and healthy, well, maybe not superhealthy (can cream ever be healthy, really?) but my god.
two of the three were begging me to wash off the pasta. screams of ‘i can taste the onion’…. a different two told me it made them feel physically sick – i even had to do a self-check to make sure i’d used all fresh ingredients. i had.
of course i had. JAYSUS.
being done with ‘work’ so early, not making a plan or a list because of the unknown factors surrounding the eye stuff. do i have glaucoma? i don’t know, but there’s a lot of people telling me about great concern… and again, i can’t be riled up about it. just assess and move on. life, man. something treatable? shit.
don’t TRY to make me worry, its not going to work. I’m full up with bigger problems.
so these are the days. i still haven’t showered. i think it might be a week now. the hat has become a necessary accessory to hide the clearly dirty hair. i’ll shower today, probably. typing it is embarassing.
but i’m having a bit of a rough go of it this morning, getting back into the swing of keeping busy while in betweenst works.
but the slowness is good, right? gives me time to think, make a plan and think of its steps…
sometimes dropping the ball lets you see the whole field.
deep breaths along with the thump of the heart beat.
i might be deciding to date again. i haven’t fully made up my mind. i’ve been given a greenlight by my steady lover, because we both know he is too busy (me too) and too far (me too) and we love each other but.
its okay, and there? practicality rules. without sorrow, especially.
and. because i love him, i still have him. any way we can.
but in this deep breath, moment of quiet, i know how much time i spend dithering with online dating… fiddling with responses and swipes and that doesn’t even get me to the actual meets. its a form of long-winded shopping… many many windows…
so it gives me more pause than i was expecting.
i think i might have other things to do. maybe my man can just come find me.
Good Goddamn. I am 44 years old and this is still something that I struggle with. I have had kids for the past 13 years, and my youngest is about to be 6… no longer do i have the excuse of toddler or nurser to explain why i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do something long term or loving for myself.
the writing thing is a step towards that, but i am curious about how much of it is driven by the need to be an available parent to my kids… i think its driven by ‘self’ but i’m really certain its a mixed bag.
whats been going on lately is this big and gigantic exposure to a world i don’t know anything about. and i’m not talking about the rope-stuff that my last dating friend shared with me. at all. don’t make me. (but i’ll whisper it to you later if you want… )
all this tech stuff, this make-an-office-stuff, this hustle for some bucks stuff… every single step of it is new… and i’m becoming more and more aware that i need to be stronger and stronger to handle it… i’m spinning… and i need to be more aware of where my feet are placed. . .
so these things: i need new glasses. i’ve needed a new prescription for months. MONTHS (which is a great word to say out loud, just so you know… slowly) but i haven’t made the call… WHY?
and in this office of mine, i’m crunching my back in a dining chair that i love, but that has no place in any office where typing takes place. none.
so this morning is my second day of headache and my first day with a really painful back… so much so that i was up in the night researching kidney infections… yes, yes i was.
it just blows my mind that i rate so low on my priority list that where i sit to do all this work, and my very vision! is something that only occurs to me once the body utterly smacks me around.
its crazy, and more care of myself is necessary to the survival of my gig, my kids being a central part of that.
SO WHAT GIVES?! Why is it so hard?? ? ?
have you found yourself there? have you solved it?
sidenote: i made another youtube video today… talking about this but ending in the same place as always… HERES THE VIDEO