Days I don’t like….go like this…
this day– i finished all the work i had to do by 9 o’clock in the morning. you would think that was the best thing, right? the day yawns before you, so much possibility….
i had that 2nd! eye appointment with the 4000 tests, eyes stretched and prodded and dropped and glared at…
then groceries for the meals … no breaks this week as their dad is on his vacation. no night off during the week, and a full weekend of all the things… (but we’re going to do pumpkins, which we missed last year… and i know, pumpkins are for me, and i’ll be bitterly doing it alone once it gets scooped…. but knowing slices and dices the bitterness doesn’t it… i wonder how i can make it mine this year…maybe the drill?)
and it stretches, the making dinners, the temperflares around cooking… the consciousness of cost of eating out… we make do with lots of frozen food hitting the stovetop…
and i’m annoyed with myself that i don’t care about food. i wish more for my kids. but i can’t seem to make myself care more. i’ve tried… its been years now. i just want them to love what they are getting, and unless its kidfood, (bland, cheesy, white stuff, no sauce) …. they don’t.*
(*my eldest will eat anything, and is great about it, will still complain but he’s 13 so he’s literally starving to death at all times, even while chewing…)
i have this beautiful dish that i make with a roasted red pepper sauce, not spicy, just pureed with an onion, cream, parmesan and basil… on pasta… its delicious. absolutely. pretty straightforward to make… hearty and healthy, well, maybe not superhealthy (can cream ever be healthy, really?) but my god.
two of the three were begging me to wash off the pasta. screams of ‘i can taste the onion’…. a different two told me it made them feel physically sick – i even had to do a self-check to make sure i’d used all fresh ingredients. i had.
of course i had. JAYSUS.
being done with ‘work’ so early, not making a plan or a list because of the unknown factors surrounding the eye stuff. do i have glaucoma? i don’t know, but there’s a lot of people telling me about great concern… and again, i can’t be riled up about it. just assess and move on. life, man. something treatable? shit.
don’t TRY to make me worry, its not going to work. I’m full up with bigger problems.
so these are the days. i still haven’t showered. i think it might be a week now. the hat has become a necessary accessory to hide the clearly dirty hair. i’ll shower today, probably. typing it is embarassing.
sigh.
dumb.
