i can write still, though. just take naps and sit quietly at the table in between ehem..
i have a teapot sticker on my computer. don’t remember where it came from but i love it. maybe i think it represents a person i am not, but i don’t care. its black with mustard yellow flowers and i think of a girl typing in a small cafe in a romantic movie. messy bun and glasses. so maybe i’m in there a little bit. i certainly have the glasses.
my college kid and i don’t talk on the phone and i’m not writing letters right now so i am feeling disassociated and i am panicking on the inside.
who am i? what do i have if i’m not the mother anymore? Moving into my sea hag era? woman whose kids are out in the world. yes, there is still a 13-year-old at home but last one, big house with just the two of us knocking around in it. things are different now. decidedly so.
so much of what i worry about will only have relevance if i die, (how will they remember me? it haunts me. the relevance, the invisible, the wealth disparity, where will they bring their kids) and so i want to weep a little for my inner turmoil because none of it is happening now, and when it does, i can always move further inward.
i have no retirement plan. i am 51. so there is that. see previous sentences about weeping and living in the present only.
there is a lot more on my list of things to do while i am homebound today, but i think i might take a nap. because sleep fixes a lot of things. sometimes.
Hope you’re feeling better. I’ve had an on-coming cold so took extra vitamin C, tea with lemon and honey for my throat, and sleep. Helped a lot.
Re your retirement plan, does your school system match your contribution to a retirement plan for you? Are you contributing the max? You’ve got 16-20 years to make that retirement plan work for you when you retire. Small contributions now on a regular basis will make a huge difference. You have probably set up an automatic debit system with your bank. If not, do that right away. There will always be bills to pay, taking away the monthly decision about how much to contribute will make your retirement much more secure, so make an automatic deduction to your retirement plan at the maximum level you can. Your future self will thank you for it. Your kids will respect you for exercising responsibility over your future. Looking at other jobs in the school system that pay more would also be helpful. You can do this.