Cynthia Lee prompt again, and something I have struggled with today.
How to focus. What to focus. What to focus on.
I went to the beach after dropping off my youngest, completely forgetting my Tuesday writing group…. Its only been a few years, that’s all, that I’ve been writing with the same women every Tuesday morning. (evidently a few years is not enough to permeate my long-term memory cache- which would make sense for me, on a lot of levels)
I’m reminded of real cameras, and focus, and the f-stop, the way you decide how much light to let in. (thank you leonard cohen, once and always) There is a relationship between the light and the focus, and I am mindful of it.
I went to a plant sale and came home and planted them, even though it is overly sunny. THAT was a rare bit of focus, to get that job done, rather than letting them languish on the front porch, or worse, in the trunk of the car.
I think focus and avoidance sometimes hold hands in the woods. well, lack of focus I suppose.
I just got up to make sure I had my phone, and I stopped in the kitchen and filled the dishwasher, but didn’t turn it on because the kids are responsible for that. but I hate that it is an unfinished thing, so then i washed off the pan I cooked last night’s empanadas on, because I had to fit dinner in between a million things and everyone had something different, and none of the kids will wash the empanada pan. I had french fries from mcdonalds. And I forgot to bring my phone back in here at all. And the whole reason I came in here in the first place was to start the process of getting a beach pass.
and here I am writing. Sigh.
I’m not focused or I’m out of focus.
Is there enough light in me? Do I need to draw it in or let it out?
My brains are fuzzy.
I do remember my name though, for what its worth.
I can write for hours about the things I get distracted by, but I want to pull it in, get myself together. The things I choose to focus on? Kids. Humor. Pleasure. Expression.
I planted a lupine and some yarrow today, I’m feeling wild gardens to come. Lupine do not like to be transplanted so she will be watched overnight and watered mightily. Such a great pleasure for me, to see these things grow, to have an appreciation for the shape of a leaf. (THAT is why I love the lupine, isn’t that crazy? Its got this enormous, phallic bloom in the most beautiful colors, and I love the leaf, devotedly.)
I can’t get it through my head to be single-minded about anything. There is literally almost nothing that I do, start to finish, all in one sitting. nothing.
Is it just me? What am I doing? Am I using the wrong aperture? Is there too much light coming in? Not enough? How big is the lens I use?
Fstop my heart,
love love,
kate
Same. Lifelong challenge to discipline my mind. Better now, but easily distracted by other people, their needs and activities. Focus, focus, focus. Peace, lower anxiety, higher productivity and enjoyment all seem to be part of the same package. Used to put Post-its on my hand if I was walking down the street to do an errand and feared getting distracted along the way and not forget to do the thing I set out to do. Put Post-its on the dashboard even now if driving to do errands and know I could easily forget to do things on my list otherwise. Adaptive compensation I think they call it. Know yourself and work with it, I say. No judgement. We work with what we’re given.
Need I say that there are also great benefits to this kind of mind? The responsiveness to the now, the enjoyment and immersion in the moment, the ability to go with the flow? All good; just needs the balance of discipline and focus, focus, focus, as you say.