Focus, foooocus.

Cynthia Lee prompt again, and something I have struggled with today.

How to focus. What to focus. What to focus on.

I went to the beach after dropping off my youngest, completely forgetting my Tuesday writing group…. Its only been a few years, that’s all, that I’ve been writing with the same women every Tuesday morning. (evidently a few years is not enough to permeate my long-term memory cache- which would make sense for me, on a lot of levels)

I’m reminded of real cameras, and focus, and the f-stop, the way you decide how much light to let in. (thank you leonard cohen, once and always) There is a relationship between the light and the focus, and I am mindful of it.

I went to a plant sale and came home and planted them, even though it is overly sunny. THAT was a rare bit of focus, to get that job done, rather than letting them languish on the front porch, or worse, in the trunk of the car.

I think focus and avoidance sometimes hold hands in the woods. well, lack of focus I suppose.

I just got up to make sure I had my phone, and I stopped in the kitchen and filled the dishwasher, but didn’t turn it on because the kids are responsible for that. but I hate that it is an unfinished thing, so then i washed off the pan I cooked last night’s empanadas on, because I had to fit dinner in between a million things and everyone had something different, and none of the kids will wash the empanada pan. I had french fries from mcdonalds. And I forgot to bring my phone back in here at all. And the whole reason I came in here in the first place was to start the process of getting a beach pass.

and here I am writing. Sigh.

I’m not focused or I’m out of focus.

Is there enough light in me? Do I need to draw it in or let it out?

My brains are fuzzy.

I do remember my name though, for what its worth.

I can write for hours about the things I get distracted by, but I want to pull it in, get myself together. The things I choose to focus on? Kids. Humor. Pleasure. Expression.

I planted a lupine and some yarrow today, I’m feeling wild gardens to come. Lupine do not like to be transplanted so she will be watched overnight and watered mightily. Such a great pleasure for me, to see these things grow, to have an appreciation for the shape of a leaf. (THAT is why I love the lupine, isn’t that crazy? Its got this enormous, phallic bloom in the most beautiful colors, and I love the leaf, devotedly.)

I can’t get it through my head to be single-minded about anything. There is literally almost nothing that I do, start to finish, all in one sitting. nothing.

Is it just me? What am I doing? Am I using the wrong aperture? Is there too much light coming in? Not enough? How big is the lens I use?

Fstop my heart,

love love,