I had it all arranged. All of it. I felt like I had 38 kids. I did. I had to involve the entire community but all the kids were covered to go all the places they needed to in one afternoon. Nobody was going to miss anything. I was the Queen of the World.
One was going to another school to play lacrosse which he loves but i’m freaked out by because seriously, only rich kids play that game. or long islanders. anyhow. my issue.
but the other one was getting picked up by other parents from one sport to be taken to another sport and i was going to drag all three to watch and then bring ’em all home by 8 pm. somehow food was going to happen too.
the third one was to be picked up at school by me, taken to gymnastics and then the grandmother was grabbing her to bring her home and i was going to sneak out and try to have an in-person meeting with someone I don’t know except virtually who happens to be male. Because I actually have a place in my own life, too. I should embolden that sentence, but I won’t, because now that I’ve typed it, it would be weird.
and on the way to school in the morning, the littlest got that look.
THAT LOOK.
She’d been really grumpy and tired all morning but you know, Mom was on fire with keeping the schedule intact so that she could maybe take a shower before the ‘meeting’.
Well. THAT LOOK. the look which means, Mom, something is about to happen, I know not what… but I really don’t feel good and any end is open for evacuation.
So, Mom throws her hands up in the air, turns the car around and drives her carefully laid plans back home to tend.
no gymnastics. no go get em. Ah. whatever.
I did go meet the guy and thats a whole ‘other post having to do with my expectations and desires and how confused I am still by my own sexuality. like, Man, my fires ARE BURNING. and, yet, I don’t want someone who only wants me when I am on fire. (no, I was not showing him any flames, but still) I have not yet found a balance, or a man who has the patience to wait and watch me figure it out, whatever it is. and take me to a delicious dinner, and walk in the woods and stuff, and laugh with me. so.
today i have another one home, different stuff. so there, plans. just stuff it, already.
life.
love love,
me.
