Its been a shit week, friends. And today will be long. Yesterday I took a nap in the middle of the day, and I think it was because I was upset still about conversations from Wednesday. The old memories cause bad dreams, wherein I fight for something I am doomed to fail at. (primarily my self-respect, hello?!) So I don’t sleep well, but sleeping in the middle of the day? This is a bad sign, for me. It makes me worry. I only left the house to do pickups at 4:30. Dinner had been prepared the day before otherwise these kids would’ve had takeout. Believe it or not, I just can’t afford to get takeout every time I’m bothered.
There are times when working at home is not all that easy.
This week I’ve had three days in a row with no kids here during school hours, and I haven’t even had to drive anyone to and from school. I think the schedule-less time is a challenge for me. I need a structure as much as I say the kids do. Yesterday, when I slept? I was supposed to be maintaining a certain number of words written in another project. I did not.
*And yes, I am gentle with myself and yes, I know it is a pandemic, still. So I make my coffee strong enough to peel my face off, I have a to-do list that will provide a certain amount of structure. I have a few animals to care for and a tax form to sigh at. I’m here, and I’m on it.
I’m going to spend some time today making a house list. What the hell are my plans for this place? Are plans just dreams? How can I get it to be a help to me instead of a millstone? I think I can do it, I’ve just got to make another list, I think.
*Its still a hard time, for all of us, and sometimes I feel like the weather change is actually hard. this spring stuff, because it takes me longer than I think it should to shuffle off my winter’s growth. I need the shearing first, and comfort is not as easy as taking off a winter coat. First its a risk to even remove it, right? Then there is the inevitable chill. The cold nose, the chapped fingers. I’m not ready.
so, yes, I’m fine. and its friday, which feels completely irrelevant to my life at this point. so fuck it.
Damn. bet you’re glad you read that one.
love you anyways, ya mugs.