I’m pissed really. Today’s prompt is ‘open heart’ and I ate a ton of highly hydrogenated sugars and so I fell into a slump and started to watch tv at noon. Lets talk resistance, shall we? or should we actually tackle the subject I am loathe to address? I mean, that’s an entirely novel idea, yes?
fuck the resistance. i’m so tired of it. what purpose does it serve me right now?
i got up, opened three doors in this house, turned the heat off and let the air rip through.
Honestly, sometimes the lonely is crushing and worry about the lonely being eternal is a real thing. BUT there is the practical, nitty gritty detail of ‘am i willing to jump into another real thing?’ (no, there are no offers on the table, but I am back on a dating app and if the suggestion of a phone call makes me want to vomit, isn’t that something I should look into?)
Maybe I’m just not ready. Its really possible. Maybe I’m letting a whole lot of things make me nervous and insecure. Body, fitness, age. Maybe I’m tolerating a level of BS from old friends because of that. Maybe I let someone gaslight me this week and I realized it only afterwards, and I should have been quicker on the draw on that one. I have had enough therapy. I’ve even seen the goddamned movie.
The air rips through, babes. I don’t have to be stuck. Let it rip. Lets allow our hearts to be whatever they are and let the air flow through us until we are ready. Deal?
The air is blowing a lot of shit around that I thought I had cleaned up. Dust bunnies galore. The metaphor is so thick you can see it. Right?
Its a beautiful day here, and you can weep and gnash and nap and hide and that is fine. and sometimes you have to fling open the doors and get some help, even if it knocks shit around.
the wind just slammed this door, chair or not. so i think i’m good for a little bit.