hysteria mounting.

theres a looming feeling of hysteria in my chest. i don’t know if its the overwhelming amount of parenting i’m doing, the encroaching approaching weird summer to be.. (for the entire month of july i won’t have all the kids at once. at all. i’m already freaking out.) …. no idea for what, but its there. maybe just a pms surge.  there is a lot of unknown when it comes to my hormones these days. i’ve got an IUD and it doesn’t always allow there to be an actual let-down of blood, and I can’t tie my emotions to an actual event.

but the mounting hysteria? thats real. I’m 44 now, and I think most emotions are going to pass through and I’m choosing to look at this one like its temporary.

there’s a man in my town right now, and he is fully and completely unexpected.  as you know, if you’ve been reading here a long long time. there is a whole lot to say about this but it is WAY too soon.

and i’m thrilled and terrified to the point of nausea and having a fairly powerful amount of PTSD in ways that I really thought I had processed.  but when you ask someone if they want a drink in order to see if they are a secret alcoholic? um…

that doesn’t work, one… and its a very strange sort of manipulation of situation.  like, do i get a man drunk just to prove he is a drunk and then run away?? is that how that goes?

um. when he forgets something in the restaurant and has to run back in… do i wait and peek in the windows and see if he is at the bar? or just assume he is and drive away mad?  (in my own car, that is…)  sigh. yes, a real thing.

its very old news. and yet, i’m reliving some of this shit.

and again i say, i thought i’d been dealing with some of this stuff. i’m having days where i am so fucking sad about ‘their dad’.. because he’s still just the same and it breaks me.

but i’ve been working for about four years on how to make life for myself more safe. and for my kids. safe, steady, consistent, recognizable. safe. consistent. recognizable. did i say that already?

and today i am just jibbering in the corner because everything from here on is completely unknown, and I don’t know how to make the right decision for my kids .

i am flat out terrified. i just am too worn down to put it in its place. so there i am.