I find myself at odds with the whole ‘as long as you have hope’ crowd.
I don’t want to have hope. I am tired of hope. Hope has wrung me out and left me hanging off the sink, dirty.
I have believed in it, pined for it, hung on to it for dear life. and yet, it leads me to scratch tickets and fruitless frippery that is somehow related to hope.
Some friends of mine were discussing this and for the life of me i can’t really remember who it was or what wise things they said but over all, i toss hope out the window as a result. I quit.
fuck it.
Instead, I am hoping to lean into curiosity. See the problem in that situation? but i’m just doing it to be funny, and i’m sort of too tired for the funny.
so there.
I lean into CURIOSITY. I have a great therapist (not chakra carol who is my reiki master, but another wonder… susan) and she makes me close my eyes and go talk to the different pieces of me. its got a name, but i can’t remember that either.
so when i go and talk to my shame, or my fear, or my fog of shutdown, i am to approach them with curiosity. curiosity.
when you think about it, there is no judgement in it. its an openness that i would truly like to have more of. . .
in general its something i have with the men i date… a real, abiding curiosity in who they are and how their story is unfolding.
*I think it may be the ticket as to how I am so damn successful in that arena… online dating and dating and what happens after dating… i mean, uh, nookie.
I’m curious about how the work I am doing now is going to unfold in terms of employment for me.
I’m curious to find out if I’ll ever allow myself to be truly vulnerable. hmm. just curious. no damn judgement. for real.
