Fear Divorce. Fear it.

I’m a little lost these days, even with the Rocky episode of yesterday… school is rapidly approaching and I am to-be suddenly without the work of the three kids for about six hours every day and i’m really fearful about whether i can make a go of earning my own money during that time.

i’ve got a rockstar sister who is trying to help me move out of my fears and into setting intentions and i love it and she has so much of my dad in her, it made me weepy last night, just listening to her problem-solving love.  (and i hope i just made her cry a little)

and i’m struggling a little with being swamped with old emotions, old thought patterns and a whole lot of resistance.  There are times when I feel very trapped by my circumstances because of what i refuse to give up and what i think my circumstances are.

I feel like more of my essence is lost through resistance and refusal than anything else.

I’m freaking my kids out a little, everytime they see me browse real estate online.  I’m trying to take it slowly, to give them small tastes of possibility of moving… but I think I’m just rocking their feelings of home, and that sucks… and I suck.

AAAAND thats the emotional tenor I find myself vibrating in… sucks.

and i don’t really want to move. this place is amazing.

** Fear is what is behind all this stuff.  i’m afraid i won’t be able to do this, that my hustle-that-has-begun won’t be enough to get me free of alimony, free of financial pressure, enable me to buy a new sofa someday, as mine is slowly unraveling.

*and i’m currently SO fearful, that i am just stopped. totally stopped.  and no, i haven’t forgotten my meds.

*the sun will rise again, i’ll be fine. but its not right this minute.

i’m fine. really. just cruddy.