Today, worry, fritter, work.

I’m avoiding my to-do list by adding tons of shit to it. Like ‘mop floors’ added to the top, lefthand side, just so i could cross something off.

A friend of mine went into the clinic because he thought he was having a reaction to his second shot. turns out he’s having a heart episode. So I’m doing a lot of stuff I don’t know that I need to do. I’m not that important that I’ll be kept up to date, just happened to be texting when he went to get checked out. So now I’ll just fritter away in anxious energy with no way of finding out what is happening.

I superduper cleaned the rugs in the living room that is proof that I don’t need this big a house. Its almost completely unused, and yet stanks. I hauled the wet rugs outside and broke any fingernails I might have had. Rugs.

I cancelled two subscriptions.

I will do the homework for my Story class, which I’ll tell you about at a later date. Unless I turn the tv on, which is a soul-killer and sucks the life out of me. But I keep having to walk past it.

I mailed off the beach pass application, at the post office even. I love me some post office. Convince me not to.

I got a ridiculous splurge in the mail. Matcha milk bath. (it really wasn’t ridiculous. its just money spent only on me that makes is feel ridiculous) and Yarrow and Lavender hydrosols. I had to look up hydrosols, too, its a spritz basically, with flower essences inside. (birchstone apothecary, here in my town)

If I can chill the fuck out, I will get in the bath and tell you all about it. I think I’m so worried about him because it gives me an outlet for all my frittered emotions of the past year. I certainly want my friend to be okay but I’m bazonkers right now, way beyond what should be.

I called my mother-in-law whom I love to bits, and who has no short term memory and multiple cancers. She asked how I was (un-fucking believeable) and I told her I was not very happy really, while mopping the stupid kitchen floor. She told me to hang up and go for a walk, not to miss a single minute of this beautiful day. She described the clouds outside her window and told me I needed to go find mine.

So I did. And all the music on my walk were ballads from the 80s and 90s and I was home in a good way. and I walked, and felt sexy as I did. Filled with the vitality of the living-right-now kind.

Shit man, life is a topsy turvy thing. Here one minute…

I love you babes, and I’m out here if you need me.

  • kate

My kid. February, my kid.

Today is the day I start legit worrying about my kid. He was put in quarantine again by his school and so is missing the next two weeks. It would have been his first day in the building in ten months. He had an outfit picked out and was almost giggling with excitement. 15 year old boys don’t do a hell of a lot of giggling. And then the phone call came.

I’ve been worried before, about all of them, for different reasons this year. But now, one is in full time, one is in twice a week, and the fifteen year old is still home, still isolated, still on his own.

Its a creeping worry, tendrils of doubt about how i’m handling, how i’m not. His dad’s reaction is to say we should send him to private school. it doesn’t help me to go there, because it doesn’t solve what is going on right now, in any way. But the masculine energy over at that house is making ski plans, and adding workouts to the days. And that is a great energy burn off, so I’m really glad of it.

We’re doing what we can, but it all feels bad. All of it. And it just goes on and on.

so thats my day. i haven’t written anything for myself, or for my project, and my brain is no longer in shards but shattered. I don’t even know where the pieces are anymore. like those little bits of the styrofoam that cling and blow and are just EVERYWHERE? like that.

i’m fine, we’ll be kind of okay.