Cynthia Lee prompted this one: And I was amazed by how things got so blurry for me. Which one is the distraction? Where am I putting my attention? Am I even choosing?
I am distracted by, I pay attention to.
I am distracted by my children. The noise, the clatter, the emotional rollercoaster of caring for other people.
I pay attention too much, I am constantly looking for it, the need, the solutions, the worry, the worry.
I am distracted by the mess. But only a little. I can find myself quite cozy amidst it all, and not bothered. And then, there are those days when it’s a sign of my own failure, writ large upon the house.
I’m distracted by bad memories, and seeking vain glory bitter victories over stories of the ex. The sick feeling of not-happiness when my kids were complaining about their father last night at dinner. I hate it, it makes me sick to my stomach about myself. It’s hard to even type it.
I pay attention to the growing things in the house, the plant life, the people. I like to feed them, I wish I had a native skill that made food more enjoyable to make. I deeply do. I’ve been trying for a long time.
I’m distracted by the negative, I fall so deeply and so fast and no amount of head shaking dispels it. Thank god I have had so much therapy.
I pay attention when I am called to. The ask. I answer it. Even if I struggle on the inside with wanting to, being taken out of my own world of whatever it is that is going on.
I’m distracted by the kids. The need of theirs to be seen, witnessed. Twice now, I have had to stop the timer for them, its not even been ten minutes… ten minutes.
I pay attention when I’m called to. That one is giving me pause. Am I just following directions?
I pay attention to the hard thoughts, and what lies beneath them. My questions of worth and my questions about that.
I’m distracted by the to-do list, that is so long here, there and everywhere.
I’m distracted by make-believe conversations in my head, leading nowhere, in which I sound really good.
I pay attention to what is happening right in front of me.
I’m distracted by what makes me pause.
I pay attention to what makes me pause.
*what are yours? Do you have a clear, clean line between them? I’m surprised by my blur here, i confess.