December headaches.

These are little things, and drips of my personality.

sorry. and you are welcome.

1. i use a lot of humor with my kids, especially when we are camped out like this for a week. together. nowhere to go, no routine to adhere to. no school, no sports, no friends (covid). there is a certain level of hysteria in it, as the resident adult. lately its been ‘you people constantly want FOOD. what is wrong with you?!’ They laugh, I laugh… but it comes from my sincere desire to never cook again, i tell you. never ever. i can’t believe i have to do it again, at breakfast, then lunch, and then dinner. Its an absolute killer of soul.
2. i have a headache again. i think this one is from being too hot in my sleep. have to eat something more before i put the medicine in my body. coffee is made. just trying to avoid throwing up all over the kitchen again. Not sure I could deal with that AND kids needing food. and yes, they know how to make sandwiches, toast, and ramen. they will never starve.
3. the broken down chair i sit in is still pretty damn comfortable. its wide enough that i can pull my legs up and sit criss-cross apple sauce… many years as a sub, my friends. i love my elementary teacher days. still and always. just like i love buffy. might not want to watch it all the time or do it again, but the love is real.
4. who am i kidding? i would love to work with kids again. and as much as i deeply want to serve the need my schools have for subs, now is not the time. at all. i wish i were that person, but i am not. i see it as keeping my mom around for a while longer, and no desire to be a hero will top that.
5. i’m having a hard time with no attention from men. there, i said it. i think its lame, myself, but i miss the randomness of texts and the titillation of stranger flirtation and heavy handed innuendos. instead, i have discovered poshmark, and my friends, i have purchased a pair of boots, a bra and some pants. (i do not even wear bras, friends. what the flucking fuck? oh my though, its so pretty!)
6. i need to remember this time period after christmas, financially. i’m just so relieved that i made it through, all the kids are supplied! We have this time together and i’m WAY too spendy. This year is a little better because I’m not going out to browse anyone’s Christmas clearance section, but still. I’ve blown my budget for months. sigh. and the truth? its all stuff for me. i think there is a final pushback against all the money i’ve spent on the kids and family for the months prepping for Christmas. i have this sense that ‘i deserve’ and everything is on sale, and i just lose my flipping mind.
7. On Christmas Eve, we watched Die Hard as a family, and I think it made me just as happy as watching the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I may have a personality split coming or going. Psychosis? (they liked it, happily, otherwise i would be driving them across the border to drop them for the Canadians.)
8. the kids leave tomorrow for five days straight. i desperately need to get my head on straight. i’m sure the vacuum will play a role. but i will also light some candles around the bathtub and do it up right. and i will, evidently, have new boots on, though not in the bath.
9. i’m dirty. my hair is dirty. the last time i bathed was a long time ago. i hate showers with a passion and feel like a petulant kid when someone suggests one. seriously. you can’t make me.
10. i love katherine hepburn. (she’s on the vision board too) yes, i know, a richy rich, but still. i love her prickly ways.
11. gah. i freaking have to think about food again. JAYSUS.

love you love you. really do.

-uwmofo

thinking of changing the name of the writing again. the unwifed part of me being smaller and smaller as the time goes by. fuck that, right? what do you think?