NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyONE!! WINNING

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. I’m not focusing on what I have lost, but on where I am winning.

BIG TIME WINNING.

1. I’ve already had some minutes of kitchen dancing, trying to untie my knots. arms flinging. mostly soundtracked by pharrell.
2. I’ve got a new cup of coffee and its not bad. I’ve cleaned the counter behind the coffee maker and under the toaster. I’m winning.
3. I’ve taken my antidepressants. also winning.
4. am realizing I need to take care of my eyes better, and that might mean I fork out money for the glasses from the eye glass place, which galls me to no end. I just want to yell schiester! all the time, and I’m pretty sure my grip on yiddish is nonexistent and i don’t know how to spell that.
5. I’m reading a book called Invisible City by Julia Dahl which takes places all around a Hasidic community in New York, so I’m an expert on Yiddish now. (#4 and #5 are slightly contradictory, i know. but facts are irrelevant.) Its good, by the way, the main character is a plucky smart barfly reporter, with ties to the community that she’d rather ignore. I bet she’s going to help solve the murder, but I’m just a quarter in. dig it.
6. This year is the first time in my life I will not be seeing my extended family for the weekend after Thanksgiving. IN MY LIFE. (Unless I was in a foreign country.) This is a big deal. You and me both, probably. It makes me a little sick. But I’m winning, somehow, because I will take the kids for a walk on the beach no matter what the fucking weather, because I fucking want to and pneumonia is NOTHING at this point. except that I’d have to treat it at home. whatever. WINNING.
7. fucking hell, I don’t feel like it.
8. I always fight against the anniversary of his death day, even when it was happening I was saying, no, no, we have to celebrate his BIRTHDAY, not this. not this. But its inevitable, and I carry it every November. ten days after the last photo I have of him, at my daughter’s first birthday. Sigh. Fucking fuck.
9. I tried to drink heavily last night but made it through half a can of drink and was feeling wasted, so stopped. I think it was maybe 7 pm. I am just no good at the drinking heavily. I love my mornings, see? except maybe today. But that there is a lie. I even like today’s morning, its gorgeous, and I should really take care of the chickens.
10. I keep looking around the yard, seeing the stuff that needs to be done before real winter. who the hell am i? when did this happen? I also deal with the fact that I might be one of those people who end up with a rusting out car in the yard, because I just can’t muster up the energy to make it matter. I did put the grill away though. So there. ( I hope I never end up with a car in my yard, I mean, couldn’t I sell it or something? )

Sigh. Guys. Not my best work, I grant you. Here’s to today. rah.