Read it and Weep.
Nothing here will make you weep. Guaranteed. Its a myriad of tasks, that I’ve done or left undone or been bitter about, or lost about.
- Today is Wednesday, I wake up at four in an empty house because the damn dog needs to go out. The kids are at their dads Tuesday nights during covid/remote learning as he has taken one day of it. It is good, I have a day to do work uninterrupted and etc, etc . He learns about school lunches for the littlest and what it is like from 2:30-5:30 every afternoon, plus homework. That’s all just background though, to explain why the kids aren’t here and I’ve got any empty house. I’ve got no ‘work job’ to do today and so I’m puttering. I’ve got a headache so I’m feeling a little mad, a little jipped. I just remembered that ‘jipped’ has to do with gypsies. So its probably ‘gypped’. Can you believe that? A little racism goes a long, long, long way it seems.
- Next mood: I’ve cleaned half the kitchen. Can’t make myself do anymore. It still looks better than it did before I started, which is a rarity. I threw a bunch of stuff away, which always makes me feel better before the doubt sets in. I hope I don’t need any of it later.
- Dishwasher going. Laundry going. This is what happens when I don’t know what I’ve done all day. Still and forever, laundry. I also fed the chickens.
- Forcing myself to write just so I don’t let down ‘the side’. Does splitting myself into sides help anyone? Me? I don’t care so much except that I WILL GET IT DONE! I want the goddamned gold star. I’m even planning to write on American Thanksgiving. Its just going to be me and my mom. I’m trying to get her to relax and watch old movies with me while eating turkey and stuffing. She is not big on the relaxing and I think we’ve got a couple projects planned already. By ‘we’, I mean ‘she’.
- OOOH, yesterday I bought myself an extra freezer. I’ve resisted this for years, citing extra electricity as a reason to say nooo to bulk … but now I am leaning into the paranoia that is in the air, and wanting to have more and more food set aside, in case. In Case. I am grieving that I have given in to this feeling, and I’m twisting my claws together in glee because I can buy all the meats now. All the meats! FOREVER!!
- That being said, the first thing that went in was a French Silk Pie. Em, for the holidays. Don’t judge.
- There is so much freaking animal hair in this house, there is just no point.
- Puzzle table has been reinstituted. Its time to lock the doors and turn away from the road. I so belong in a Nordic woman’s story. Ingrid?
- Cleaning is so depressing. I wish I felt so satisfied by it like some people do. I also wish I was type A. I don’t even know what other types there are, but seriously, I am them. I also wish I had a little bit of OCD. Just a little, and specifically about cleaning. I also wish I had a cleaner. I recognize this should have been part of yesterday’s list.
- I keep staring off into space while writing. You would think I had some large inner landscape, but no, just a strip mall of an inner landscape. Crap stores of ideas and debates, old stores with local followings and the newbies reflecting the latest fads, the owners too young for their own good. Hello covidcopia.
- I’ve noticed how differently I write when I know its going online. There is a world of difference in subject matters. Do you feel that? Can you tell? As a reader are you aware of how much is left unsaid? Or subjects that never even get broached? I thought once I was divorced I would feel the freedom to say all the things, but it turns out there is a layer that I keep to myself, at least, that I keep off the internets. I think its good, though feels a little splitsville, like #4.
- I think I’ve made up now for the day I only did six. I worry about things like that. Having it be even, fair, reaching the number I had originally intended. I’m not a skimper, a cheat. On the one hand, it entirely doesn’t matter, how many notes I make over the course of this month, I mean, not even a little. But the other hand is pressing on my throat, so there is that. Hmm. Love you guys. Read it and weep.