ALL and NOTHING

guys. there is so much. i know you know it. and i tip the hat to all of us.

two of my three will be fully remote, school-wise this year, to begin.

my youngest will be the one grade of our district which is starting out hybrid. So, she’ll be going in two days one week, three the next and remote the other days. i’m not going to lie. i’m uncomfortable and trying to challenge myself in letting her go. because the numbers say that even in catching covid, she’ll be fine, as would we all. but i worry because that is NOT true for all the households in town.

my ex is willing to be involved and take some of the days of home-based school, at his house, which is good and a nice change from the spring. . sadly, his involvement is causing me a fair amount of stress because i still carry so much fear about him and relying on him for anything. I’m back to having bad dreams about him and memories are causing me more unneccesary heartache.

as a whole there is too much anxiety for me to process. I’m back on the antidepressants and glad of it but its no miracle drug. I’ve started attending a zoom-based worship meeting and thats helpful, its essentially a quiet hour, but i like seeing the faces of people i love and respect.

i’m worried i’m going to become an agoraphobe. anyone else have that?

in the past weeks, i think as the weather has shifted, i’ve been able to think a little about my own emotions. I think being convinced at some level that the world is ending has got to stop. (politics, virus, environment ) I need to plan some long term goals and get myself out of survival mode. I’m still sheltering, and i need to get out and feel a future for myself.

sigh. i know we’re all in this together, in some way.