prefaced by: don’t give me suggestions or tell me I should have called. not helping, plus, its blessedly over.
kids went to their dads full time for a week. it happens once a year in the summer, usually around summer camps so that they’d be away from me anyhow. usually I go somewhere, last year I had a loveliest man who took me away and treated me like a golden flower.
this year, it was a staycation. I didn’t have any plans, though I thought I might do yoga, but didn’t. I thought I might write, but didn’t.
I realized this morning when I made my coffee that I hadn’t made fresh coffee for awhile and the pot was dirty. ( GAH! it was vacation and I was reheating old coffee, day after day?!)
it was mostly the coffee that made me realize the depths of my lassitude.
things I did do: I went on a covid-era first date. it was fine but date number two was cancelled as the only option he gave me was to come to his ‘room’ and snuggle. i’m just not there yet, with a stranger, or, rather, some dick who thinks I’m that desparate. (its a mixed bag: wherein you realize you have self-esteem/deeper desires for yourself and also that you missed out on a chance for sex. sigh).
I slept late, last night I slept on the sofa in the living room because a fuse blew and there is no way in hell I am going into the basement at night, ever. So I slept in the ac with the dog at my feet, and it was okay, honestly.
I went to two ballgames. The boys noticed but hardly. Glad I showed up and missed episodes of whatever the show was. I watched tv during the day. I drank alcohol that was so sugared up that I probably just could’ve had a grape soda and would’ve had the same headache in the morning.
I had a birthday breakfast with my mom and sister, as my mom turned 75.
glimmers of progress.. I read a lot. some good, some kids-age, to check out summer reading choices, and I started ‘white fragility’ which of course, I am dreading. but I have begun.
I got my nails done while essentially wrapped in plastic. I was pretty intimidated by all the plastic so everything is red, and matchy. There is a certain glory in it but it doesn’t feel like me, so, weird, right? I tried unsuccessfully to tame some part of the yard. I did a butt load of laundry, which was a mistake. initially I tried to get it all done so I would have a vacation without laundry, but really, I just ended up doing laundry all week long.
so. it was a full week, and there were far too many hours in it. i’m not sure what it means about me, or about my mental health that I did so little. it was a pretty hot week but i’m not feeling excused by that.
so there it is. I was not productive. I did not make progress on anything but laundry, which is just a loop anyhow so fuckit.
and its all over today at 3, when I pick up tired and hot kids who’ve not worn sunblock for a week. and my insides settle down.
Maybe then I’ll try and figure things out, when the walking pieces of my heart return.
2 thoughts on “unsuccessful vacation”
LM still loves you and would trade anything to still be yours
no sweat, blood, or tears … I can barely manage those for myself. few words. it’s been a week where I wanted sugared up alcohol … or maybe just to give in and smoke with my kids … anything to dull the ache. and this is where my stubbornness comes in handy. I know that If I begin, i will likely not stop so I refuse to go down that road. Anyway, the next transition is nearly over. Emerson and Justin leave tomorrow. ( I sort of wish they had left in June; it’s quite hard to deal with during Noah’s birthday month )
Anyway, as always, I love your words.