I’m retreating. i can tell i’m in retreat because i’m feeling unattached to my online community, and unsearched for… this petulance is not something i like in myself, and so i’m just going to sit on the sofa, do my thing and wait for january.
its November, which is historically fairly hard for me, post-divorce. so much navigation of the past, with two kid birthdays which are, still, not shared. and yes, i find this unbelievable, and it hurts my hippie soul that i can’t yet welcome ex and his girlfriend into my home, but i can’t. i think one or the other, would be fine. but together? no. i envision myself following them around, telling the ‘true story’ behind his stories to her, the rotten undercurrent that was there, the spot where he sat when he …
my kids tend to talk a lot more about their dad because of all the negotiations and the tids and bits i hear cause me a fair amount of consternation and i have to re-learn how to separate myself from that experience. every year. so far.
believe it or not, thats a lot of progress. i hate that i am being asked to do this every November, frankly, but so it goes. a lot of people wouldn’t expect this of their ex, but here is where i am.
it is also an anniversary of my dad’s death, and his favorite season, and so much memory and thanksgiving and Thanksgiving. I took the kids and LM to the beach this Veteran’s Day, to throw rocks, or skip them..to search for seaglass, in memory of my Dad. Its all just so sad, sometimes, this evidence of a bumpy life. I tell my kids all the time that life is just bumpy. If you’re in a smooth spot, there is a bump ahead and a bump behind. and that it keeps on rolling anywhere you are on it.
November is a pretty fucking big bump for me, and its just about halfway done. and there is a birthday party/celebration already over with and i get a reprieve for two weeks before the next. i certainly wasn’t planning well during the conception. shit.
so. 4FucksakeNovember meant i wrote for 4 days straight. thats all.
moan moan moan.