i’m supposed to be a love giver, an affirmer. i am. not just ‘supposed’ to be …
i ACTUALLY am, but i’ve fallen off the wagon. and when you do that and you feel like you fail in that way, it is dank. moist. musty in a bad, bad way.
in one of the groups i am in, its actually my ‘job’ to be the lovah. and i’m falling off. sucking at it. NOT being the affirmer, NOT showing up at all.. dodging even.
UGH. I’m trying to work myself back to authentic me. whatever that is. like this title? i just like to say that word. a lot. so, finding the things I like and utilizing them.
i’ve taken on some little baby resets (courtesy of ms Hannah marcotti) … for six days at a time, i’ll add a new habit. i’ve added water to my desk. all the time, there’s a glass of water just sitting there. (so thats like, self-care, right? water?)
i’ve sometimes light a candle. (meh. only sometimes) i’m keeping the candle, but i might not keep that one. i like it, but hello sometimes i forget i have lit it. (overnight, once. so. danger.)
i’ve decided to read for all the minutes i have before six am. and sometimes thats almost an hour.
today it was two hours.
so the books are back in town, and that feels good.
i feel like my chipper is just around the corner. i’m tired of being in my cave, kind of. only a little. not really.
but something does need to be different. and i actually need those pieces of me back, those affirming-of-others pieces… its my legs, yo.