i’m talking to myself as i walk through the house this morning, to myself, but in conversation with my kids (they are already at school).
I am talking to them about my dating, and the confusions I see in them about it. The strange expectations they have. the mismatch between my romance and how it might effect them. My hesitations to tell them stories, my separation of my ‘personal’ from my family. I’m thinking too much about them, maybe. but then. They’ve been through enough changes and I’m afraid of not being able to control this one.
that is the real root of it, right there. I’m afraid of not being able to control things if I ever introduce another person to the mix.
its been said, and it is true, that fear feeds on lies. and feeds us lies.
I’m not saying I’m introducing anyone. I’m just saying that I may need to look into my feelings on this separation of church and state, because if fear is running my show, then I am doing some serious lying to myself.
lying. ugh. lies. and the lying liars who lie them.
what is it that I want to cultivate anyhow? FEAR? hells bells . obviously no.
if I want to cultivate the LIGHT? the HONEY DRIZZLED JOY?