I have really been in the dumps this week… some sort of adrenalin crash after the anger, perhaps? or because the anger masks all the hurt and sorrow behind it and then dissipates…? and its been motherfucking hot again.
i’ve just been slugging along. kids going here and there with my chauffeuring assistance… lots of tv and video games for them, and a lot of chair time for me. this morning i actually thought about whether i could get bedsores.
i mean, my god.
that might be too much sitting.
(and i have still swept the kitchen and done the laundry and fed them and stuff, so i can’t be literally sitting all day, but i sure do feel like it. i have still been trying to make the pool not-green, so i’ve even been outside for chrissakes.) damn.
self-perception can be a whopper of a lie. you know?
i take an anti-depressant which i started shortly after the separation began. i’ve always said, since many doctors recommended it, (for many years) that i knew it was just situational depression and not chemical. my best girlfriend has a chemical depression and whammy, it is big and real and i never felt a claim on the seriousness of that depression.
i saw my current doctor for the first time after my separation and she immediately recommended it to help me deal with my racing mind. i scoffed. literally.
what she said to me :
sometimes you can be in a situation for so long that your chemistry literally changes.
and so i got me a weekly therapy appointment and, what my kids call ‘happy pills’…
and i don’t really like that they know about them, but so it goes. and whether or not i need them, i feel like they help… and when i forget to take them, i notice my thoughts racing in directions i don’t like.
so sometimes i think they serve as a meditative tool.
hmm. so maybe my spin can be seen as a centering of sorts.