There needs to be one about ALCOHOL.

Alcohol. You drink it? You rely on it? You love it?

I happen to be in a place where many of my friends are discussing it. leaving it… realizing it does not suit their spirit’s needs.

Sometimes I think they talk to me about it because I was married to someone who had a real and soul-crushing problem with it.  I am something of a safe spot, someone who might give them an answer or judgement on whether they have a problem.

I am not any of those.

When alcoholism left my house, i went out and bought a fancy bottle of whiskey.  The kind you have to ask them to get for you.  I used to like WhiskeyandCokes… and I had been ‘unable’ to drink for the past decade (i chose not to, and tried not to have it in the house, to no avail)… so I thought it was high time I figured out a favorite cocktail.

The first couple of months, maybe even the first year, I had drinks every time my kids were gone for the night. Every time.

Then, now, and forever: I never drink more than a single drink around my kids, and not whiskeyanything, because I learned that I value my mornings too much…. the bottle is still there if you’d like some…

no kids? well, your life is your own. as long as you walk everywhere while drinking.

are you using alcohol for something?

Does it affect your health?

Do you question whether you have a problem? Does it make you feel yucky in the morning?

I don’t know, man, I don’t really have these answers… and I can’t sort out my own mess about it. I’m trying very hard to let it be your story.

There is a lot here, and in our society, the ‘life of the party’ is a whole lot of pressure… and the ideal for a lot of people. the goal, even.

I still have dreams of having tequila with a bunch of women at a lake house and having it be the time of our lives.  and i know better for myself, and my spirit still calls for the camaraderie and the loss of filter and the dumb freedom of numb.  and joy, there is a lot of joy in laughter. so much.

and a cold beer with pizza is one of the best things in the world.

And so if ladies invite me out and thats what they want to do, maybe I will, but I can feel pretty content saying no sometimes… and tequila is scary… and then there’s cars, and driving… and no way i can have more than one drink if i’m getting in a driver’s seat. . . no fucking way.

so, its complicated. and i’ve written this quickly, and there is a lot more to it. and i have issues. and there is judgment, and i’m trying not to do that, so there is work…

there is always work.