2025-no resolutions, thank you.

I’m not a resolutions person.

I am a plan for the future kid, and this is really a new sensation for me. I have mostly been a very short-term person. the here and now and not the tomorrow. I always envied my former father-in-law his projects, the lay of the land before him full of details and items and jobs. But now, with time and more stability in my life and less self-isolation and protectionism? I’m beginning my own nuts and bolts things, trying to anyhow. Its all here: What do I want to feel in June? What do I want to say I did last year? What do I want for myself? And then I go from there.

My retreat is coming up, my four days in a cabin with my wood stove and my outhouse. It was a big item on the YEAR OF 50 LIST… There is a lamp, and a hot plate and I am ready to go. I just had two weeks off from school, with my kids mostly being at their dads. I didn’t like it, it was too much, but I never say no to his requests, ever, despite all the time that has passed. I’m looking forward to the day when my needs outweigh his, easily, automatically, without thought.

I worked at the farm and I missed the kids, and I spent a lot of time with Bob, who is healthy and walking forestgump style while he incorporates his new heart pieces into his body. Its a big difference to be working when the kids are all home, I do it all summer but winter really sits differently. I want to be home and full of hot chocolate and cookies and children. Bring on the fat snowflakes, dear, bring them.

The retreat is a big part of my ‘plan’. Time to cuddle myself, to consider only my very visceral needs, to be without clutter*, in all the ways. I’m bringing far too many books. I haven’t started packing, because it is a month away, but I have a clear vision of the bag I will need for the books and the papers and the paints. yes, color, bring it. and socks, warm socks, and a ridiculous hat.

*Today i wrote about clutter magic, and I think that is something real for me. the chaos being so damn appealing, and quite the obvious choice over sterility. if that is the binary.

I have a plant resting in the corner, the latest of the adoptions into the family, and it is resting atop three text books that the kids never returned to school. (I’m sorry, town.) It is chaos, yes, but it is beauty, and privilege, and probably a good use of those textbooks. I’m aware feng shui might not be satisfied.

but that’s not my monkey.

And its January 6, my friends, and so I’m going to wash the dishes and transform dirty to clean, lost in clutter magic… and hope that you’re dreaming a little too.

love you,

kate