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Being almost 50.
- how do i let go if i keep remembering?
- no really, if I’m still stuck on how a landline works, how’m I supposed to get satellite signals equaling real and true sounding voices?
- is this it then, the culmination of my life, that i work all the time and worry about the kids?
- How do i get my fucking jade plant to thrive? i think about it way too much.
- why are accidents so much more poignant for me now? because i feel my own mortality so much? the ways in which small things can be enormous in a life?
- Can i work forever? when the kids are gone and i’ve moved into a tiny house with my man somewhere, can i just wake up and go to work, forever? there is always so much to be done. everywhere. all I i want to do is plant stuff.
- do you know i have to change clothes two or three times a day just to be clean and non-contaminated, depending on what i am doing at the farm, or at the school? the car is a jumbled up closet of farmshoes, and school clothes. the back seat is unusable. yesterday i laid all the seats down to deliver eggs to a store 45 minutes away. then, i played playdough. outfit changes. Is this adulthood?
- Want some eggs? I have a lot. Finally got rid of a bunch of roosters, and now they are much happier ladies out there. Nobody needs or wants that much cock. No question.
- I need to go away for a week by myself. Think that will ever happen? No, me neither. And I would miss everyone so much, and I can’t afford to miss a week of work anyways. But I’m pining for it. Ever heard of Woolman Hill? (this is not an invitation for my sister or boyfriend or brother to buy something. got it? don’t piss me off.)
- Self hair cuts? Yes? or no?
- I think i’m done here, I’m losing my juju.
- Love to you,
- me.
Some of these babies have already been planted in the field now, that’s how quickly things grow these days. and they’re off!!