Things adding up, and eggs… a weird list.

So random, and so very…

1. i did a guided meditation the other day in which i was meant to chant four words to open up my loving chakras, or something like that. I did chant them, silently, but the vision I had of myself dancing while I chanted, has made me fall in love with myself a little bit. I am a funny person, and I have a great thankfulness for my sense of humor and the way I sometimes move in the world. Its a very, very nice feeling.
2. I’ve got one kid out of the country right now, and seeing him have one of his first lifelong memories while I watch is pretty goddamned awe-filled. He is seventeen in another month and boy, do I remember my own seventeen. I am gaga for my kids. (i got him some condoms, because I am in love with my kids, and they are not allowed, or ready, to have kids. no, i do not think he will need them. but still.) BIG DEALS.
3. I’ve got two kids home with me while we are missing him. Oh boy. Its a new and wild unit. We are working it out.
4. I am still overwhelmed, and while i had a lot to say about being a stay-at-home mom for ten years, and how busy that was, I did not know. Working, and not having a lucrative job, and then doing mom stuff on top of that, and cooking?! too, its a lot. and I am missing my brain space. I am missing it so much.
5. My car is in the shop after a white smoke issue on Saturday, after I got my kid to the bus on time. Timing is key, and I’m not even complaining about it. See me? Not complaining. I’m using my mother’s car. It has 241,000 miles on it. I’m not even kidding.
6. My snapdragons have aphids but I’m cleaning them by hand every day. Yes, this is insane but yes, it will also be effective. It’s a calming thing, to chase down little problems, and squish them. It really is.
7. Every day I ratchet down my expectations for this plant sale. Initially, I was hoping to make $800, now I’m hoping I make $100, maybe 2. . . It’s a whole lot of work, friends, and I have no idea what I’m doing, but I do have help. so there it is.
8. I’m still in love with eggs, and the ways in which they are so odd and different from each other, and what is inside is always the same. (almost)
9. In answer to a prompt: What do you carry? I wrote this, and I think it has some bones….
10. I carry my body better these days, I’m getting stronger. I carry my clothing loosely, I wish I could wear so much less clothing, but warmth wins. I carry my children in my heart, and my plans in my head. I find it hard to let them go, in meditation they run circles while I listen to my breath and its tides.
11. I carry my past, in ways I wish I did not. I carry the groceries despite having teens. I carry myself in dignity except for when I am swept away .
12. I carry pauses, silent moments, silent movements, just trying to fill in space, and yet also when I’m better, just let the breaths carry me.
13. I carry memories, and more so, feelings of memory, the details lost now in surges of the present. The riptides having swept them off.
14. I carry sand, and dirt and sunshine on the skin. I carry laundry and continuance. I carry home, the making of, the feeling of.
15. I do not carry the ceaseless production. I carry my rest to my evenings, productivity only lasts in daylight hours. And there are so many more of those now.
16. I carry socks and ‘wear a hat’ and ‘shower when sick’ and ‘have a glass of water’, as solutions to almost everything. And I carry flexibility for when nothing works. I carry worry and weight when the kids have tryouts. I carry hope and despair in equal measure, as they slide so easily in and out of each other. I carry wonder.
17. Damn. What do you carry?