Schism, split, you know.

my inner world is trying to multitask and its really pissing me off.

I’ve been meditating most days that I can manage it, and today’s exercise was literally, probably, a waste of my time. My brain kept trying to take care of business on the outside. So here is my mental bullshittery.

this is how it goes, all the time. I’m split.

1. my pickup schedule is totally fucked. I had a kid waiting for me outside for an hour this week, because someone else’s practice ran late. there was no way one person could have managed it. The third kid was picked up by a lovely nugget of a woman who has a much better arrangement with her ex. (which is just INCREDIBLE, isn’t it, nugget woman?)
   The split comes in my upset. I’m explosively upset that I’ve left my kid to wait, I feel a fuckload of shame. ( i mean, i could do a whole therapy session on it, and my failure as a parent) and at the very same time, I consider all the factors, and know he is fine, if emotionally upset with me and life all at once. it was not a cold day, he is a boy, he is old enough, he could have found people if he had wanted to. SPLIT #1.
2. I have asked for help. I did it. Next week will be different. But I hate asking for help. I feel like it admits that I can’t do this gig. And I can. I can do this gig. The split is that I hate to ask for help, and… I want people to know that I need help. What the fuck is this? I mean, of course I need help. There are three of them, and they all need to go places, and we’re all busy, I know, everyone is in something similar, those of us with kids the age of mine. So its all muddy. If we are all struggling to figure this all out, why are we not more carpoolly and community oriented? So I’m a wicked introvert, committed to doing everything myself AND I think this is bullshit and wonder why it is like this. SPLIT #2
3. I’m too tired in the mornings to do anything but shout ‘get your socks on’. Seriously, I have teenagers now, what the fuck is going on? Have I damaged them? Why am I involved in getting them not to miss the bus? Am I even needed here, really, or am I involved out of habit? Would they really miss the bus if I wasn’t talking at them? There’s a minisplit for you, right there…
   Am I needed, why am I so needed? Should I be doing any of this? I MUST do all of this.
   What the fuck. I want an award for everything I do for them,, all the time. The pressure I feel to not have them alone is partly in reaction to how lonely I felt in my teenaged years, in terms of parental involvement. They were good parents, it was just a hard time for them, personally.
   So what? How do I start having my own life now, at 47, leaving them to grow and become more independent, without feeling a guilt that is tied to loneliness from a fourteen-year-old girl from 33 years ago? Do you see the fuckedupness of that? Gaaaaad.
   
   On another brain schism. I have 500 thousand snapdragons (not literally but kindof) and i’m evidently a wild pansy killer, and the seedlings are now officially out of control, so there is this green sign in my house, that I am out of kilter, completely overwhelmed and fractured, and you can see it in tiny little boxes of dirt. You just have to come visit.
   oh my god, do not come visit.

-lovelove,

me.