These dreams are made of this.

I realized a few things today. And found a few tough to love qualities. in me, but mostly them.

  1. I have two teenaged boys living here. Two. I need to be more cognizant of what this means to them, and to me. One is deep into the ‘i’m the center of the universe’ place that teens go. He is truly lovely and caring and occasionally heart-breakingly sweet, but lives there in many of the interactions he has with his mother. (that would be me. he frequently feels attacked when i walk by. my face is very powerful, i suppose.)
  2. Many adult men that I have in my life are also myopically self-centered. It is very hard for me to handle, at this point. In some cases, they are old and too isolated. In others, they are just that way and always have been. they literally cannot have a conversation about a child without interjecting their own needs and life into it. literally. its astonishing. . . In another, they are just too high on the ADD, or ADHD, and can’t focus on a still object like myself. I get all of this. But it is deeply deeply unsatisfying. DEEPLY. It’s even hard to maintain a friendship like that. (i’m not talking about you, Indy, so stuff it.)
  3. I’m obsessed with this television show called ALONE. i just discovered it on hulu and i think its been around for awhile. It goes hand in hand with my need for a journey, and my need to understand men in some damn way. These men go out and try to survive in a wood for as long as possible. not together, each alone. they film themselves, there is no crew. they make it, or don’t. and i’m just obsessed. i know men are different, and yet i found myself in several of them, breaking out into O solo mio randomly in the alone. That’s me. right there. I’ve just seen the end of the first season, and i need to take a break and feel the deepness of the dark wood for a little bit.
  4. I love this song, it fills me with bliss. It is in Italian. I’ve been tryin to re-find it for several years. I used to be able to tell you what it all meant. but if you asked me to dance for six hours to this song on repeat, i probably could. I’m pretty sure I might be the only one, and I don’t care. O Mare Nero, by Lucia Battisti. It reminds me of a dance party I attended where we literally shook the floor of the cottage. love it or leave it. i’m good.

Four again. Stuff it. I just spent 15 minutes in my hammock outside and goddamnit, it was possibly the best fifteen of the week.



1 thought on “These dreams are made of this.”

  1. It’s hard to find a healthy man; wonderful when you do, but still not commonplace. They are different creatures with different priorities and histories. Having grown up with 4 older brothers, I love and get along with men just fine, but having an equal emotional relationship is something else. Most men seem to expect women to take care of them emotionally while they see themselves doing the “hard job” of being a breadwinner even while the woman, herself is working ( or they’re alcoholic and outright dependent). The world infantilizes men by putting them on a pedestal and expecting others to look up to them and do what they want. Men are human beings with their own personal faults and foibles but the systemic superiority of men is not healthy for them, their relationships, or our planet.

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