Oh February.

NOT MY FAVORITE.

This past week was ‘not my favorite’. Its what i’ve taught my kids to say about dinner if they hate it. Because it incenses me to make something and have them tell me that they hate it. IF they can learn one thing, it is that they need to not inflame their mother.

So this week, my brain has been blown to smithereens. I was awash with disappointment and blown into pieces. i can just now sense the beginnings of it reforming. I was sad, i was distracted. I was so disappointed and disheartened. I cried in front of my kids and my sensitive one told me I am always sad. So i raged and yelled, because that is totally rational.

well, it wasn’t quite rage. But i WAS mad, because i could see that it is not true. And what my kids think of me really matters to me, not as a fact, but as a reflection. How am i doing with my life? How am I processing my emotions? I’m rarely sad, so what is it that he was seeing?

In truth? He was seeing that he is worried about me sometimes, because he thinks I am lonely. His dad is getting married again this next fall and I think he wants that for me. And while I’m pretty certain I don’t understand getting married anymore, like, at all… and i can’t stop myself from mocking a third marriage. ( i try, i can’t stop myself. damnit. i try! I really goddamn do. best i get is just to keep my mouth shut.) I do understand where he is coming from, my sensitive one.

So, it was not my favorite. I don’t especially like feeling sad and not getting my work done. I’ve not worked on my project at all this week and i was worried about my kids, and now its a snowstorm and the kids are all home, still. but! i can literally feel things re-knitting. and there is time coming where i will be alone for four days straight. and if i can manage it, i might be able to crank back up to speed on the writing.

I’m also trying not to eat candy, and it is killing me. I’m seriously twitching for a cinnamon bear. twitching.

I also discovered I have a friend I didn’t really know I had. So, thats pretty sweet. AND, I found out a friend of mine who is seriously compromised is getting vaccinated today. and I let out a deep sigh of relief. These things are pretty much more important than a wave of sadness. these are sunny days on the beach, and i’m all in.

so there. and this.

love love,

on my way back up.

me.