January claims me, utterly.

These are the things I claim and acknowledge…some of them.

  1. The sorrow that I live with still. The rage that my kid’s dad had a meh-good marriage, and I didn’t, and I think all the time about bad things he probably thought of me and how unfair it is that I lived like that for so long. And the rage that that is not a shared experience, it was just mine. My better part wouldn’t wish it on him, but man, there is still rage. Just one day, if he could have seen what it was like, for just one day.
  2. I need to claim all the days when none of that matters, because there are so many more of them than any other kind. There is so much movement away from that. And I am thrilled and part and parcel of that is how often I don’t even notice.
  3. I claim my boredom and how much I wish more for my kids of this time and how damn conflicted I feel about all of this. What is risk? What is risk of exposure? Is that a category that battles with need for socialization or physical exercise? Indoor soccer practice? Is that a vector that will kill my mother in law? Its too much, I claim this boredom and fanatical perseveration. It is mine.
  4. I claim the nature of mine that will give and give and seek and then hit a wall and be done. The fucking steely cold center of a glowing orb.  Like, I can only go so long without reciprocity, you know? I’m not for everyone and everyone is not for me and I need to get with that more readily.
  5. I need to acknowledge how good I am at sabotaging myself. I’m not eating well and I’m not exercising. I’m worrying about my weight and not doing anything about it. And I’m not job-searching, which is part and parcel of this freelance writer-editor thing. I AM taking my anti-depressants and considering how to better and more often make smoothies. I like to add kale, for my eyes. BUT I hate the mixer, with a passion. Its super bulky and I don’t believe I get it clean. It makes me pissy when I take it off the fridge. Are you so thrilled I am sharing today? It was a wedding present, believe it or not. Maybe its time.
  6. I claim that I am super-charged when it comes to feeling loved when people affirm me. It’s a way to show me love and I feel it best. I had a friend from 14! years ago tell me she liked to read my stuff this morning and honestly, my head feels like it will pop off with joy. Just to know someone reads it? And likes it? I am honestly over the moon. Its so simple. I need affirmations, but it does not make me needy. It fills me up and makes me feel loved and ehem, affirmed.
  7. I claim that this is a long-ass writing and I’m getting bored with it, as I type. This is the kind of thing I’m not supposed to share. Will this stop me? Not today Satan, not today.
  8. I claim a deep deep restless ness and because of #5, I am stuck. I have been thinking a lot about moving out all the furniture that is not used or broken… but I don’t have a truck, I don’t have a dump sticker, I don’t have…. And so I just sit in my juices of stuck. And of course those are all solvable, for chrissakes. What the hell.
  9. I admit to a certain addictive element to my personality. This week’s obsession, besides the fucking phone? Cinnamon bears. There is always a sugar element to my problematic behavior- the phone handles the dopamine. I ate a whole bag on Friday and I swear to god, it is still sitting in my stomach. Should I get some more?
  10. I admit to being a little lost sometimes. I’m handling it.
Eddie the black dog, looking right at me.

6 thoughts on “January claims me, utterly.”

  1. Order yourself a large stainless steel tumbler (like bartenders use) and a hand blender (aka mixing wand)… They are perfect for smoothies and you just have to rinse off the wand and wash the cup. Bingo bango bongo

  2. Great to see you on Friday!
    Keep writing, lots of people are reading. 😊
    Your unapologetic writing and fearless soul bearing is extraordinary. Ahem, affirmed. Right on.

  3. During this pandemic when I can’t see you, it means everything to be able to read your words. You invite us right into your soul, a treasured experience.

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