in a flipping mood

i’m here to work on my therapy. get ready. these are the things i’m feeling and the ways i’m making up to try and flip them.

  1. life is financially unsustainable. I don’t want a stupid job just to pay my benefits. i will be trapped inside doing something that kills my soul.
    FLIP THAT, motherfuckers.

    FLIP: anything is possible, kate, maybe you will really love working with kids again. (true, i know i will.) Maybe it will lead to a position which will really feed you. (and remember, paying bills is a pretty nice thing too, and working outside sucks for a couple weeks every season, so there is that.)
  2. I’m not going to win the lottery and i have to make a change. and i’m just waiting and waiting for the moment when i literally cannot pay a bill to force me to do it, because I DO NOT WANT TO. THIS MAKES ME HATE MYSELF. I AM AN IRRESPONSIBLE CHILD.

    FLIP: I’m going with my instincts, waiting for something to happen organically that will be more suitable for my situation, soulwise and financial-wise.

    FLIP: maybe paying bills kind of easily will be something that makes you happy. Maybe having people you work with (who are not farmers) will be interesting. I do like people in general, I do. And remember, I was a conventionally married person who was almost dead inside, and I got myself out of there. I won’t let it happen again, right? RIGHT?

I spent the morning looking up school jobs and I just feel overwhelmingly anxious. Maybe its the interviews? the idea that someone might say no? Or maybe its the ears? The idea that I will be challenged exhaustingly every single day of a work week, and I might fail some of the challenges? Maybe its the people? The idea that I’ll be in a community of women and have to re-enter that pool of interaction?

Oh dear god, and you wondered what you were missing?

sigh. so many sighs.

i’m off to the DNRT garden soon. I’m going to get me some dirty.

love you,


4 thoughts on “in a flipping mood”

  1. Love this. I feel you about what if the job bores you out of your mind. I’m working for the town of Ashburnham in the Land Planning and Use Department as a file clerk 6 hrs. I work for them for 100 hours and they deduct about 1/3 off my real estate taxes which in Ashburnham are pretty high. I work in a dark basement of a circa 1903 town hall by myself. It’s cold and pretty spooky. I wish I had your writing skills because it’s definitely the perfect setting for unsolved crime dramas with a small town twist. Give yourself a big hug, and I’m sending one too. You’ll find your Kate groove😊

  2. Agree with Noel: you’ll find your groove. Stepping back, what was your vision when you enrolled in your master’s program? What did you like in the program? Would you be OK with using your writing skills to help organizations you like communicate via their website, newsletter, social media? Have you looked at civil service jobs? They often look for diversity in hiring and have fantastic benefits. Have you gone to your state unemployment office and asked for help there? Their job is to help people find jobs. Your taxes support them, so use them. People are often surprised at how helpful they can be. This is an opportunity to get information about what’s out there and then see what interests you and meets your criteria for a good job. Don’t despair; take one step at a time. You’ll get there.

  3. Thought: I spent time struggling financially because of my fear of what’s next.

    Flip: Being financially settled relieves a lot of stress and anxiety. There are many many next steps in life. Take a job, find your way, it’s not the last step you will take or the last job you will have. Maybe you will find a job (like many people) who love their job and are fed by the work and the people.

    New jobs are scary.
    Flip: My kids are taking scary next steps each year (new grade, graduating, going to college), I can do this too.

    Good luck!! You’ve got this.

  4. If you take a “normal” or stable job you will not “be trapped”… You know your limits, you know how to extricate yourself from a bad situation, you know the warning signs when you are on the downward slide, and you know how to live frugally and get through tough spots because you’ve done it before.

    I think that waiting for “things to happen organically” might not be a great idea because you will be missing out on opportunities that are out there that you just aren’t aware of. You are also eliminating choice. If you’re waiting for something to fall into your lap, you won’t have as many options presented to you. Grab that wheel and take control!

    I also agree with Judy. Investigate more self employment/freelance writing opportunities like grant writing, web copy etc. Then you also have a second income to fall back on in tight times.

    But you know yourself best. Whatever you do you will be fine. You are a strong, capable woman (even if it doesn’t always feel that way). Hugs and love to you!

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