Here goes:
I’m still really freaking embarrassed that I’m divorced. It comes right down to that. It feels like people can see how flawed I am, just in my presence, how much I must be a pathetic chrone loser nag. . . right? I had to explain to a parent today that I was just visiting my kids’ dad’s house, because whatever, you know?
But Freaking embarrassed, yeah, I am.
In no way does this suggest I’d want to live there or with him. my god, i would just die completely. and its come right to this point: I do not want to die, not anymore. . .
And I’m sitting in my house, getting the dinner ready and waiting for the kids to get back and the light is that perfect october light here, the leaves are on fire and your eyes hurt from the beauty everywhere. Its fucking heartbreaking. It really is. Its so beautiful, I am stunned into melancholy.
this is not to say i am not allright. i am. Just my god. look out the window and beware.
I keep planting things. I am buying plants on clearance and dropping them into the ground. When spring rolls around I’m going to be in a constant state of ecstasy, because I discover so many things. I am going to be throwing myself into the dirt, clumps and all.
i’m eating all the time. my minutes are almost done. i hope you all are well.
welcome to my five.
hope you make it.
- lovelove,
- kate
Oh, the multitudes. I love this post. You are wonderful.
You know that divorce is a choice and an opportunity. Many us wouldn’t have found our heart’s desire without first being divorced. It’s like not being able to experience freedom and independence without first moving out of your parents’ house. I wonder if part of your sensitivity is that you really are a marriage person and this single state doesn’t feel right to you? Just a thought.
I’m not sure that’s true of me, but I think having my private life visible in a way I do not control is a challenge for me.