under construction

What are you doing to improve yourself? I am betwixt and between on this one, because I’m still actively ‘raising’ kids and I am trying to teach THEM to strive to be better, etc. and God knows, the world needs work too. What am I doing to leave things better than i found them? It’s a query, an active search for justification of myself, in my entirety.

There’s something common in it, like all the ‘wellness’ crap, love yourself first. Secure your own oxygen. It’s true, yes, and I don’t fight against it. I guess I start by noticing, right? Noticing where we stretch thin, where we are disappointed by ourselves.

For one, I’ve been highly reactive with the kids lately. My reaction time to kid-squabble-teen-bitchery is unbeatable. There is nothing faster, literally. My mouth and mother-hat are tilting wildly at windmills. At speed, mind you, which does not mesh well with health and wellness.

I need to slow down. Take a breath, ask a question, maybe ignore something. Ignoring things is a highly underestimated parenting tool. Says I, the deaf one, who inadvertently ignores a lot. Though, to be true, its not technically ignoring, if I have no idea what is going on.

Which brings me to stretchy spot number two: I had an experience this week where I was trying to explain my hearing to someone who was irritated by it. I mean. . . it wasn’t even a kid. but whatever. I had to explain how deeply exhausting it is to listen to someone with my whole entire body. Sometimes I need to stop staring at their lips, because I just can’t handle it. I look away, but it doesn’t mean that my one good ear isn’t still functioning. They were getting mad that I wasn’t ‘listening’. Insert eyeroll here, an infuriated one.

Its resolved, for me, because I talked about it. I don’t think anything will change about their irritation level. but again, whatever. Its that little improvement, for me, pride in standing up for myself, taking the space and the time to talk rather than shrink into my ‘failures’. Remembering how much work I’ve done.

Go KATE!!

Building up over here, building up.