One thing I’m learning about work: I need to keep busy. If I feel like I’m useless or that I’m standing around and doing a lot of waiting then I get into trouble with needing to escape and run and that’s just nobody’s good news.
Another thing is that there are way more people like me than I think there are. I am more kooky maybe, but we’re good! and we try our best to treat people well.
(Fuck the president. He is not good.)
It’s Christmas Eve.
I’ve wrapped the things, I’ve made more cookies, I’ve surrendered to who and how much I have. This year, as last, I’m afraid that my ex and his wife will show up at ‘church’ despite my asking them not to. Last year they didn’t. But the dread was mine, and real, and time-consuming. We’re beginning the same pattern this year, again.
It’s been the tradition since separation that the kids come back from Christmas with their dad to meet me at ‘church’ /Quaker Meeting. He used to drop them now they drive themselves. The meetinghouse is filled with old friends and I want it to continue to sparkle in my eyes and theirs.
I do not want to share it with their dad and his wife. Can I maintain this boundary? I should be able to. It makes sense to me. But then,
Why do I feel so guilty?
WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY at all?!
Why guilt? Anger, paranoia, fear… ok? But guilt? Having my own ritual and tradition with the kids isn’t something I should have to feel ashamed about, right? Wanting sole ownership of the time?
Later: it was fine. I asked if he would honor that boundary. He said yes. Enough.
The presents were good . I made them open socks first so I could get that over with.
It was good,
Now I wait for turkey. May it be good as well. I’m overly lucky.
May you be as well.
All hail January! She comes!!!
