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Its okay to start over, just clean-slate it. throw the baby out with the wash, go ahead.
(cynthia lee prompt inspired this one.)
So. If today is the first day… of the year, of the freshness, of the newest thing….
the way i begin is to look back. look at what i’ve done.
- i’ve survived a very questionable marriage, which was not a partnership.
- i’ve learned what a partner can be. happily, amazingly.
- i’ve started a career as a writer and proofreader and while i make zero real dollars, it is pretty freaking amazing that i’ve been working at this, and being paid.
- i’ve been raising my kids, with goodness and fair amounts of consistency. (only fair amounts, lets acknowledge my flawed humanity, okay?)
- I had to take my kid to his dad’s office yesterday. there is so damn much of me still in there, not in a sentimental way, but i recognize how much time and involvement and memory i still have, about objects, things i made, photos, things i had conversations about. he didn’t cleanse it out because he doesn’t even know, or remember or care. maybe he does, it doesn’t matter. it is a solitary experience, which emphasizes to me, the shits i don’t give anymore, deeply. almost aggressively at this point, but the aggression pleases me, it doesn’t hurt. all the stages i guess.
- I’ve been writing pretty solidly now for two and a half months and I’m excited for myself, proud and excited.
So, if i begin with deeply acknowledging those things, where do i step off? in which direction? where the hell do i want to go? the world is wide, deep and dark. mysterious and lit from within.
where to go? if today is day one…
- had to test my kid for covid yesterday. waiting on results. he has no symptoms except a slight cough, but was exposed. we wait. day one indeed. (or maybe, day 6, depending on how you’re counting, for him)
- i can see things changing in me, in what I want to do, and have some anxiousness about what that will look like, how i will take those steps, whether or not it will head me towards the financial standalone ability that i need. i’m handling it, so far, but noting it.
- what are my baby steps? Today i will read the post-it notes i have around my work chair:
‘write! write! write!’ , ‘quick or slow, deep breath! Clarify!’ ‘Water you and the plants!’ ‘Get up! Go love those chickens!’ Read and do. - day one? I’m going to go get some clean clothes on, make a list of the phone calls i need to make this week. And then, goddamnit, I’m calling this week, however weirdly phonecalls are accomplished. ( i keep one finger in my ear to help this loaner aid function better, and man, its pretty damn funny-looking.)
Thats it guys, i don’t really feel the magic in this one, but maybe its a first day, with all its hesitancy, and thats just fine. first day jitters and all. 🙂
love love,
me.
